Four Musicals and a Drama

When I was in high school I was in the performing arts. Not sure how I ended up there because it certainly was not something I ever had an interest in pursuing professionally. It was, I suppose, a way not to have to be an athlete. But there it is. I ended up performing in the spring musical every year, and one fall drama.

The Pirates of Penzance (1986)

I played Major-General Stanley, a good-hearted father who ends up marrying off his daughters to a band of pirates. And it’s all okay because reasons. I won an award from the local Rotary Club for my performance—perhaps on the strength of my rendition of “I am the very model of a modern Major General,” the showstoppanumba^[1] to end all showstoppanumbas.

The Crucible (1986)

As Deputy Governor Danforth, I got to play the villain. I learned that drama was not for me, since I could never remember all my lines. I mean, look folks, I literally had a cheat sheet on stage with me. Despite that, I won another Rotary award.

Fiddler on the Roof (1987)

Only a sophomore at this point, I scored the leading role of Tevye the Dairyman, another father with daughters. (A portent?) Another showstoppanumba (“If I were a rich man”), another Rotary award.

Guys and Dolls (1988)

This year, the lead role of Sky Masterson went to a good friend of mine, who was a senior. He hit it out of the park and I was a minor supporting character (Nicely-Nicely Johnson) who happens also to have another showstoppanumba (“Sit down you’re rocking the boat”) which got a big applause. And another Rotary award. Are these things rigged?

The Pajama Game (1989)

A godawful show with godawful music. The only reason anybody remembers it is that Doris Day was in the movie. Our director chose it because she didn’t ever want to repeat a show and she’d already done all the good musicals. I played Prez, a crappy role with crappy songs and a crappy costume. I won another Rotary award. Definitely rigged.

Coda

I never really sing in public any more, except for Carmen Ohio.